Friday, September 9, 2016


All I said was ‘woof!'
I was not asking you to look at who was walking down the footpath past our front door!
That would have been more like ‘woof’ with a little bit more oonf and intentionality. Which again is very different from the more intense ‘woof’ which says I know who is coming and they’re not my friends. If you paid attention this woof was a little bit more low key which did not involve me even moving a single muscle in my body. my head is still resting on the mat, my body’s muscles are very relaxed. maybe there was a minor movement of my paw but this is it. This has always meant: ‘somebody is passing by, it is not worth worrying about it, but might as well make sure they know that I am here and that I know that they are passing by'. 
So, let's be clear, it is is not my fault if you rushed to open the door and tripped and hit your head on the wall.
You are always so big on ‘teaching me’ things. And I am supposed to know the difference between slow down and stop and go and come here and come here  now I said, and even complex formulations like how many times do I fucking need to fucking say: you don’t bite the fucking ham sandwich when I am fucking holding it in my fucking hand. 
I have to learn all this and all the subtleties in intonation you are capable of, and you can’t tell the difference between one woof and another. 
So, let me repeat since you are refusing to accept this and you are still giving me these dirty looks: it is not my fault that you rushed to open the door and have cut your head open needing a couple of stitches. I can live with you using me as your emotional punching bag. projecting on me whatever mood you’re in. But you need to take some responsibility for your inability to understand me. Would you understand it better if I said ‘you need to take some fucking responsibility for your fucking inability to fucking understand me’? If you still can’t at the very least stop pretending that you are so intellectually and morally superior.
Just accept it. it was you who rushed, you who fell, you who fainted, you who had to be taken to hospital two hours later, you who gave yourself stitches, you who didn’t end up taking that Uber that came for you.
And no, I recognise an Uber when I hear one, no its not like any other car, an uber has a far more ambivalent arriving sound. I can’t tell you a lot more about what makes its arrival sound so specific. I would have woofed differently had it been the Uber you were waiting for. So no it is not me that made you miss your job interview. and yes the world is not going to be the same even you try and understand my woofing. had you done it in the past, perhaps.
woof. in case you’re wondering, this woof means you still have my sympathies as a fellow creature. but you sure have fucked things up for yourself.

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